This came up at work today, in a meeting to discuss some aspects of life at the moment, pertaining to work. Apparently, this is a bad thing. Apparently, me placing the IT systems at work lower in priority than my family is a bad thing, showing a lack of dedication.
I’ve given this long and careful thought. It IS accurate to say I’m not the IT geek I once was. I had a limited childhood due to surgery, wheelchairs and so on. I was kept sane and occupied by being encouraged to dabble with engines, and electrical things.
This led to an electronics interest. Then, a chance encounter at college took me from the path of Robotics engineering, into the world of IT. My choice.
Back then, IT was still “new” and interesting. Things were less seamless, less integrated, more quirky. More variety, more oddities, more challenges abounded – AMD, Cyrix, Nexgen, Intel..286, 386SX/DX, 486, 5×86, 6×86, MI/MII, the list ran on and on. All required a slightly altered approach. All hardware was mildly different.
I was intrigued and really enjoyed the time. I feel privileged to have been there. Year 2000 fiasco? Good times!
Nowadays, it’s..dull. I’ve spent 15+ years doing this IT lark. Now it’s Intel/AMD, all standardised, no real challenge. Even Servers – very little there can now engage an interest. In some respects, seen one, seen all of the buggers.
So, hardware is pretty much out, does the software do anything for me? Windows 7 I like, so much so I bought it. Virtualisation will never lose it’s “cool” factor. Software can be very interesting still.
I once had rooms full of IT kit. I once lived as a human minority to an enclave of hardware.
Then I met Jem. Hey, here’s something more complex than any program, more tactile than any input device, more entertaining than any game…perspective shifted slightly.
Then we had, and lost the twins. That was a very, very black time for me. Jem was hospitalised, I drove there and home, back and forth on autopilot. I was tired, I couldn’t cope at all. I used to get home and break down, usually on the floor surrounded by the cats. Company of a sort. I so badly wanted a drink, but I was so scared of what I’d do, it didn’t happen. I spent long, dark, cold hours in a very personal hell, questioning and analyzing everything, feeling utterly helpless or hopeless.
I found myself. I didn’t like what I found, to be honest. IT? What had it ever really done for me? Enough to dedicate myself to it? Hell no. I’d freaked at the idea of becoming a parent, and then grown used to it, and now it was gone. So had a part of me and my beliefs.
Time moved on, things settled. Never forgotten, not even for a day, nor would I ever wish it was so. I carried on with the Job, as it was just that, and you do what’s in front of you. I found myself taking less personal pleasure in it however.
Then we found out Jem was expecting Izzy. Mild panic, followed by a settled time, followed by all manner of minor “edge of the seat” problems while she was carrying Izz. Not easy, I found myself turning ever more from IT to support Jem and keep things going. I didn’t have the time, mental headroom, or the energy. Work stayed at work, stopped coming home.
Then Izz was born. An indescribable moment. When the midwife first asked if I could hold her, minutes after arrival, I took off my shirt and held Izz against me to keep her warm. Looking down into those blue eyes, and that small face, all I could say is “Hello Matey, I’m your daddy..”..mentally adding “you poor bugger”.
That was a little over 2 years ago now. 2 years of laughter, tears, frustration, amusement, the whole seesaw of emotions. 2 years of watching her develop physically and mentally. 2 years of thinking “When she grows up, and looks at me..what do I want her to remember?”.
Is it the IT geek who was forever surrounded by equipment and superflous crap, who placed it on an equal or greater footing than my family? Or is it the Daddy who spent his time with her playing games, drawing, cuddling, reading, writing, and encouraging her imagination and practical skills, and kept IT in it’s proper perspective, and in it’s proper place, as a tool and a means to an end?
No contest. Never will be. I promised myself, promised HER on that first contact. Who I was, who I used to be…I was no parent. If being a parent now means I’m no geek, then hells, bring it right on, I’m more than game for it.
I AM still a geek, I just changed the focus. With the aid of Jem I’ve become a breastfeeding, babywearing and real nappy geek. In myself, I’ve become a household geek. I geek about useful things like energy conservation, home security, home system automation and optimisation, appliance/structure repair and maintenance..because that applies where it matters, at home with the family. I’m reverting back to electronics and the like. I have to say, in this respect, I now feel far more fulfilled. My diversion is my car, nothing changes there at least, heh. The complexity of a modern vehicles onboard systems is quite scary if you think about it.
Once you plug in your laptop and see just how much data the car processes, second on second..it becomes quite amazing. I drive my computer on wheels with a slight geek smile every time it shifts the gears, or varies the ePAS system, alters the timing on the fly to stop pre-ignition or even flags up an issue on the dashboard.
I draw the work/home life line very firmly now. The geek/non geek line…well…heh..maybe not so much.